11:05 pm
Saint Paul, Minnesota
Years ago, when I first started reading and writing about persuasion, I found myself moving further to the political right. Or, perhaps, further from the current political left.
Learning about the tools and techniques of persuasion, I could see the manipulation of the population and how easily our energy is directed.
Persuasion, at its core, is getting someone to see the benefits of an action or a believe, and to change their behavior ‘for the better’ because of it.
Manipulation, on the other hand, benefits the manipulator but not the manipulated. Rioting, anyone?
When you’re the first to mention an idea, you “win” that mind space. This is the purpose of a Blue Ocean strategy, that you define a new market and you’re the only one serving it.
But when someone already has an idea and you’re hoping to persuade them to see the benefit of its opposite? Much harder.
Seeing and accepting these benefits requires an emotional investment, including no longer accepting previous ideas as valid. For many people, this can be a massive change in their thinking, and it doesn’t come without an emotional cost.
In my own journey, just entertaining the ideas of persuasion, or questioning the tactics of the political left, or considering the science- and experience-based differences between men and women…. brought changes to my social circle which continue to this day.
Perception Is reality
There’s a saying that “perception is reality.” Small R. If someone offended you, regardless of intent, you feel that offence. It’s very real to you.
That person who cut you off in traffic? They’re out to get you… or maybe there is an emergency.
The employee who leaves right at 5pm? She must hate her job… or maybe she has other deadlines.
Our perception of a situation rarely allows for outside ideas to change us. We justify our behavior, we have all the facts we need, and we feel (aka “know”) the truth.
If a community believes an injustice has occurred, they feel pain and anguish because of that injustice. No amount of uninvited statistics is going to convince the community that an injustice is a random event.
We can name many Black Americans that have died at the hands of police officers. Their stories are gut-wrenching to read, or to watch, and together they create a sense of confirmation bias that builds into “proof” that the system is biased against people of color.
But…
Emotions Are Not Reality
It’s been said, “never make a decision when you’re upset.”
The same advice applies to being excited or angry or rushed or lonely or afraid.
Emotions and what we might believe about a situation are, by themselves, not indicative of Reality. Capital R, the Reality that exists outside of nebulous emotions, incomplete statistics, or clean stories that wrap everything up nicely, the way our brain wants it to.
Feeling like someone offended you could be based in your bad day, or in a misunderstanding, in a genuine attempt to offend, or something completely different. There are many variables outside of our understanding. Capital R Reality is messy.
We cannot know what others are thinking, their reasons or their beliefs, but we like to think we do.
People smarter than myself have pointed out that the behavior we identify in others can only be identified because we know it ourselves.
“It takes one to know one,” in other words.
To filter someone’s every action through the lens of genuine malice is a reflection of your own state of mind.
More than that, when we divide people into Us vs Them, we no longer have to think about Reality, or think about individuals, or their own place in the world.
When groups are labeled, your critical thinking goes out the window; decisions on who is Us and Them has been done for you. Just pick a side.
Mindset
We all have emotions (I hope). They’re necessary for the human experience, to feel the highs and lows of life.
But to get ahead, to succeed in our plans, you cannot let those emotions decide your behaviors.
Fear exists in your mind. Fear of failure, fear of pain, fear of death. You have no idea how a situation might play out, yet that fear continually holds you back.
Me, too, if I’m being honest. Our egos want to protect us, after all.
To succeed one must build a citadel of the mind, to borrow a phrase from Ryan Holiday. A place of internal strength to move when you’re uncertain or to protect your intentions when the world seems against you.
You must know that there is success on the other side of that fear, and be willing to be wrong (or labeled as wrong) in your attempt to get there.
Jeffrey
PS. Some people don’t want to change their mind. Maybe they’re convinced theirs is the correct way to view the world, or they’re addicted to the reactions they get, or their feelings are continually dialed into Fear.
You can’t help them.
But you can help yourself. Change State lists 31 ideas to help you build that mindset, including changes to your physical environment to up your mental game. It’s 31 letters like this one and filled with actionable advice.